The diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. Don’t worry, I haven’t gone soft. There’s nothing I’d like to see more than Jim suffering during the merriest of all seasons, to watch him pray for a Christmas miracle that’s never going to happen, to force him to return all the Christmas presents he bought because now he’s poor, to observe him pass Ringworm to Pam, and Pam to him, then back and forth and back and forth (forever!). That would’ve been the ultimate Christmas present for me. If only my Secret Santa had known…Alas, Christmas is the least wonderful time of the year for diabolical dealings.

If literature, television, and motion pictures have taught us anything, it’s that nefarious intentions during the Christmas season are always foiled. Not only that, but it seems as though the sinister one always learns to love the one he wishes harm. It happened in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, A Christmas Carol, and Der Thomasplitzchen Totungen Weihnachtsmann (“The Thomas Donkey Kills Christmas Man”). So I know that if I get back at Jim on or around Christmas, I will end giving him and everyone in his family presents or saving a crippled relative of his from death or learning how to embody the true meaning of the Christmas spirit. If I ever find myself happily eating a Christmas ham with Jim and his family and his piece of the ham IS NOT poisoned, please poison my slice, because I don’t want to live in that disgusting of a world.

Enjoy the holidays Halpert, because once New Year’s rolls around, the plan is back on!