When I was a child, showing weakness was liable to get you a spanking. To avoid that fate, I would demonstrate my resolve by begging my mother to spank me. It was an intricate game of cat and mouse, one that helped me become the cunning and powerful man I am today. Unfortunately, my strength may work against me if I’m going to be successful in unseating Jim Halpert. We naturally fear those who are stronger than us (ie: Hulk Hogan and God) and always have our guard up around them (ie: at Wrestlemania and Church). If I’m going to be successful, I need Halpert to let his guard down, which requires me to play possum for a while.

Giving off the impression that I’m weak will be no easy task. If I limped around or acted like I wasn’t able to kill a man 17 different ways armed with armed with nothing but a sewing kit, he would know I was up to something. I mean, it’s pretty laughable to think that I’m feeble, so I have to do it in a believable way. I will wear less revealing clothes, so perhaps my enemy forgets how impressive my calves look. I will stop demonstrating submission holds in his presence and will instead practice Capoeira. And most importantly, I will give off the impression that I’m really impressed by his new job and title and that I see myself as his subordinate. And then when his guard goes down, I’ll spring into action, calves exposed in all their infinite ass-kicking glory.