When beginning a highly orchestrated, deliciously malevolent, genius revenge plot, it’s imperative to understand your opponent’s strengths and weaknesses. Failure to do so will almost certainly result in your demise. Don’t believe me? Just ask every single James Bond villain…even the ones with sure-fire plots like hiding a nuclear weapon in a jewelry canister in order to explode it at the circus. Idiots – if they were really serious about world domination, they should’ve taken the time to properly assess James Bond’s abilities (enhanced sexual charisma, weapons & martial arts expertise, English accent) and his Achilles heel (inability to survive multiple bullet wounds to brain).

Fortunately, I’ve spent years sizing up my opponent: he’s six-foot-three, size 34 waist, 11 1/2 shoe, 42 suit, and as far as I can tell, his greatest strength is the pity people feel for him. That awful wife and (soon-to-be) awful baby cause people to feel sorry for him and give him stuff he doesn’t deserve (like promotions). Luckily for me, his greatest strength is also an exploitable weakness. That idiot will have his hands so full carting around his bulbous wife and prepping for that genetically inferior child, he’ll leave himself completely defenseless to anyone who has spent months plotting to take him down.

That’s precisely when I’ll spring into action, exploiting his many weaknesses: ignorance about how to prevent large animal attacks, stupid hair, lousy sense of smell, stupid clothes, lack of hand to hand combat training, stupid grin, desire to be liked by stupid people, stupidity, and his arrogance – which will undoubtedly cause him to neglect to assess my strengths (strength, cunning, puritan work ethic, hatred) and weaknesses (do you really think I would be dumb enough to expose my one weakness to everyone with an Internet connection, yeah right, idiots). And with that type of upper hand, I know we’ll both get what’s coming to us.