Surveillance (from the French Word “to watch over”) is a necessary component of any cruel conspiracy. Fortunately, it is a hobby I’ve indulged in since my boyhood — I could operate my grandfather’s Dictagraph before I could walk. Over the years I have accumulated a plethora of different devices to use for bugging, as a portion of every paycheck is goes directly to U-Spy. Just last week I used four of my security cameras, three hidden mics, and a heat sensor to discover where Mose was burying my car keys (he wants us to spend more time together). Soon, my expertise and devices will pay off again, in my menacing scheme against Jim Halpert.

I’ve attempted bugging my opponent before, but to no avail. On one occasion I set up a mic in his stereo…but the sound from his radio rendered everything else inaudible. Another time I sent him a Golden Mic Award (a working microphone I painted gold), but he was wary of winning an award for outstanding recording artist and disposed of it. For my last effort, I hid a bug in the shape of a bug (a cockroach to be specific), not the best idea…he crushed it with his shoe. But I’m certain my latest effort will be fruitful. This time I’ve slyly inserted a recording device into his office that he’ll never grow wise of. From this point on, I’ll be privy to everything that comes out of his mouth (save vomit and saliva). It’s brilliant! All I have to do is wait and listen while he divulges all of his damning secrets about his tardiness, misuse of the company phones, embezzlements, affairs with other women (probably unattractive women), and/or an accidentally murder he committed one summer while horsing around with a group of friends…Who knows what skeletons lurk in Mr. Halpert’s closet? I soon will.