The Diabolical Blog

A Mongol general once pondered, "What is best in life?" to which Conan the Barbarian replied, "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women." Embracing the logic of the barbarian has served me well once again. I finally deposed Jim Halpert. After forming a tenuous alliance with my co-worker Ryan Howard and engaging in months of feverish planning, we brought him down. Hard. Yes, it has been suggested to me that he willingly stepped down from his throne, but let's be real people. He can spin it anyway he wants to, but no one in the history of mankind has ever willingly stepped down from power. To do so is completely antithetical to human nature and totally absurd. So make no mistake, I was behind this, all of it, even the stuff I didn't realize I was doing at the time, I knew I was doing at the time!

My plan was so intricately diabolical it would've given Machiavelli an erection. Here's what I did: While Jim was in power I put constant and tremendous pressure on him, undermining his confidence and causing him to be an ineffectual leader. Being the competitive loser that he is, my challenge led him to desire being the sole manager. I made that dream a reality just to mess with his head, then reminded my one true boss (and mentor), Michael Scott, the man he replaced, just how much he missed being the manager. It was my untraceable way of getting Michael to do my dirty work for me, begging Jim and our new CEO, Jo Bennett, for his old job back... and who were they to resist him?! So in essence, I gave Jim a brief taste of the thing he craved most and then had him replaced. That's not just stabbing someone in the back, it's twisting the knife, pouring salt on the wound, then urinating all over it. And in the end, evil was vanquished and all was right in the world!

It's the New Year and you know what that means: time to do my taxes! Tax season isn't quite as enjoyable as harvest season or slaughter season, but it's about as much fun as one can have without using a scythe or hatchet. This year, I'm looking forward to a very healthy return. Planning and implementing a diabolical plan has been an expensive ordeal, but since my revenge plot is job-related, it's given me the opportunity to write off all manner of "business expenses," such as:

• A 40" Daito & 28" Shoto Samurai Sword Set - early on in the planning, I considered some more direct ways to seek retribution, now I use them as letter openers at work. And if pressed, I will claim that the sword is for committing seppuku if I dishonor my company. What could be more business related than that? And what IRS auditor won't understand Shinto code of honor?

• Several thousand boxes of paper - It's a pretty good deal actually. I buy the paper from myself at cost plus 30%, then write off 40% of my costs. I'm still operating at a pretty significant loss, especially after the expense of building a new paper silo (which I'll also write off!) to store all the paper I bought from myself, but it helped me destroy Jim in the branch-wide sales contest, and I won the most rocking pen set ever, which I then sold on eBay for a tidy profit of $24.

• The Executive Stapler and Stapler Remover set - my job provides me with some standard office supplies and while Jim uses his pedestrian stapler, I'm subconsciously sending a message to the entire office with every gold plated staple that I (and not him) am executive material.

There are those who might suggest that I'm taking some liberties with our tax code, but I do everything by the letter of the law. In fact, I'm hoping the Internal Revenue Service audits me. I love the thought of an IRS agent examining all of my receipts and records, poking and prodding through my life, leaving no stone unturned, harassing friends and family, running down every long shot lead, converting every calculation back from base 8 to base 10, only to discover that I'm as clean as a pig in the mud, which is to say very very clean (pigs roll around in mud to keep themselves free of parasites, bugs, and funguses). I can't wait to see the look on his face when he realizes just how freaking law-abiding of a citizen I am. Then he'll beg me to date his beautiful daughter, because what kind of IRS agent wouldn't be impressed with a man who combines the killing prowess of an Orc with the tax-savvy of a fortune 500 comptroller?

The diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. Don't worry, I haven't gone soft. There's nothing I'd like to see more than Jim suffering during the merriest of all seasons, to watch him pray for a Christmas miracle that's never going to happen, to force him to return all the Christmas presents he bought because now he's poor, to observe him pass Ringworm to Pam, and Pam to him, then back and forth and back and forth (forever!). That would've been the ultimate Christmas present for me. If only my Secret Santa had known...Alas, Christmas is the least wonderful time of the year for diabolical dealings.

If literature, television, and motion pictures have taught us anything, it's that nefarious intentions during the Christmas season are always foiled. Not only that, but it seems as though the sinister one always learns to love the one he wishes harm. It happened in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, A Christmas Carol, and Der Thomasplitzchen Totungen Weihnachtsmann ("The Thomas Donkey Kills Christmas Man"). So I know that if I get back at Jim on or around Christmas, I will end giving him and everyone in his family presents or saving a crippled relative of his from death or learning how to embody the true meaning of the Christmas spirit. If I ever find myself happily eating a Christmas ham with Jim and his family and his piece of the ham IS NOT poisoned, please poison my slice, because I don't want to live in that disgusting of a world.

Enjoy the holidays Halpert, because once New Year's rolls around, the plan is back on!

I don't do well with partners. I almost never figure skate in pairs. At camp, my swim buddy drowned (not my fault he couldn't keep up with me). I once got a great deal on a bicycle built for two, took off a seat modifying it into a bicycle built for one. I prefer to take people down single handedly, like Rambo or John McClane, but with a Samurai sword. However, today a co-worker learned of my diabolical plans, backing me into a corner and forcing me to conspire with him against my foe. Now, this solitary predator will have to learn to hunt with another. Ah-woooooo (that's the sound of me howling like a wolf, the prototypical pack hunter - it's a metaphorical howl)!

Having a co-conspirator may work to my advantage. Among the plethora of valuable life lessons I've learned from the WWE, is that a tag team always defeats a single wrestler (unless that wrestler is The Undertaker, I've seen him easily defeat two fighters - but Jim is no Undertaker). Alone, I was unable to topple Jim Halpert with a bugged wooden mallard, a dozen Jewish pastries, and an Employee of the Month scheme so sinister even my grandfather would approve. So perhaps a partner is what I needed all along. Co-conspirators to take down a Co-Manager - it's poetic...well, almost, if you say co-conspirator and co-manager fast enough they sort of rhyme.

I learned my company could go bankrupt, causing every employee to lose their jobs. This revelation rocked me to the core - the thought of Jim Halpert getting laid off before I have a chance to get him fired was simply devastating. Imagine how disappointed The Bride would've felt if Bill had been killed by old age before she got the chance to use the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Like The Bride, retribution is a personal thing for me. I need to see this through for my own personal fulfillment and having some faceless corporation do my dirty work for me is about as satisfying as winning an RC car race with a car that you didn't build, customize, and trick out yourself. So in order to be the one to get Jim fired, I'm going to have to adapt my diabolical plan to these new circumstances.

To ensure Jim gets fired before the company goes bankrupt, I have to readjust my entire timeline and that means setting aside some of the cool little finishing touches I had planned. I suppose I can live without destroying his marriage and completely humiliating him amongst all of his friends and family, but it's not an easy pill to swallow. And it looks like I'm going to have to make other sacrifices too; Mose constructed a rudimentary effigy of Jim that we're going to burn to honor the god of revenge and "fire" ourselves up. Hopefully by simplifying my plan and rededicating myself to the cause, I'll be able to avoid the hassle of watching Jim get laid off, then secretly helping him get a new job, then secretly helping him get promoted unjustly, then getting myself a job at that same company, just so I can finally get him sacked the way I've always dreamed.

If history has taught me anything, it's that you never count Chuck Norris out, and, most importantly, in any quest for power, one needs allies. Machiavelli knew it; he discussed it in detail in The Prince. During World War II, the Germans knew it; they created the Alliierte (Axis Powers) with Japan and Italy. And the Elves, Hobbits, and Humans knew it when they combined forces to win Middle Earth from Dark Lord Sauron. Now, I, Dwight Schrute know it.

To take Jim Halpert down, I will create strong alliances with my co-workers. I don't care for anyone in the office, but that's not important (I never really believed the Elves had any affinity for the Humans or the Hobbits). My plan is to sway the nitwits I work with over to my side with my generosity. But what sort of gift would gain their loyalty? Initially I thought about offering them some homemade soap or deerskin coasters, but after noting their girth, it occurred to me that the way to this office's heart is through its stomach. It's a perfect plan! I offer the dogs I work with some chow, they in turn give me their loyalty -- together we rise up against the House of Halpert!

When I was a child, showing weakness was liable to get you a spanking. To avoid that fate, I would demonstrate my resolve by begging my mother to spank me. It was an intricate game of cat and mouse, one that helped me become the cunning and powerful man I am today. Unfortunately, my strength may work against me if I'm going to be successful in unseating Jim Halpert. We naturally fear those who are stronger than us (ie: Hulk Hogan and God) and always have our guard up around them (ie: at Wrestlemania and Church). If I'm going to be successful, I need Halpert to let his guard down, which requires me to play possum for a while.

Giving off the impression that I'm weak will be no easy task. If I limped around or acted like I wasn't able to kill a man 17 different ways armed with armed with nothing but a sewing kit, he would know I was up to something. I mean, it's pretty laughable to think that I'm feeble, so I have to do it in a believable way. I will wear less revealing clothes, so perhaps my enemy forgets how impressive my calves look. I will stop demonstrating submission holds in his presence and will instead practice Capoeira. And most importantly, I will give off the impression that I'm really impressed by his new job and title and that I see myself as his subordinate. And then when his guard goes down, I'll spring into action, calves exposed in all their infinite ass-kicking glory.

Surveillance (from the French Word "to watch over") is a necessary component of any cruel conspiracy. Fortunately, it is a hobby I've indulged in since my boyhood -- I could operate my grandfather's Dictagraph before I could walk. Over the years I have accumulated a plethora of different devices to use for bugging, as a portion of every paycheck is goes directly to U-Spy. Just last week I used four of my security cameras, three hidden mics, and a heat sensor to discover where Mose was burying my car keys (he wants us to spend more time together). Soon, my expertise and devices will pay off again, in my menacing scheme against Jim Halpert.

I've attempted bugging my opponent before, but to no avail. On one occasion I set up a mic in his stereo...but the sound from his radio rendered everything else inaudible. Another time I sent him a Golden Mic Award (a working microphone I painted gold), but he was wary of winning an award for outstanding recording artist and disposed of it. For my last effort, I hid a bug in the shape of a bug (a cockroach to be specific), not the best idea...he crushed it with his shoe. But I'm certain my latest effort will be fruitful. This time I've slyly inserted a recording device into his office that he'll never grow wise of. From this point on, I'll be privy to everything that comes out of his mouth (save vomit and saliva). It's brilliant! All I have to do is wait and listen while he divulges all of his damning secrets about his tardiness, misuse of the company phones, embezzlements, affairs with other women (probably unattractive women), and/or an accidentally murder he committed one summer while horsing around with a group of friends...Who knows what skeletons lurk in Mr. Halpert's closet? I soon will.

When beginning a highly orchestrated, deliciously malevolent, genius revenge plot, it's imperative to understand your opponent's strengths and weaknesses. Failure to do so will almost certainly result in your demise. Don't believe me? Just ask every single James Bond villain...even the ones with sure-fire plots like hiding a nuclear weapon in a jewelry canister in order to explode it at the circus. Idiots - if they were really serious about world domination, they should've taken the time to properly assess James Bond's abilities (enhanced sexual charisma, weapons & martial arts expertise, English accent) and his Achilles heel (inability to survive multiple bullet wounds to brain).

Fortunately, I've spent years sizing up my opponent: he's six-foot-three, size 34 waist, 11 1/2 shoe, 42 suit, and as far as I can tell, his greatest strength is the pity people feel for him. That awful wife and (soon-to-be) awful baby cause people to feel sorry for him and give him stuff he doesn't deserve (like promotions). Luckily for me, his greatest strength is also an exploitable weakness. That idiot will have his hands so full carting around his bulbous wife and prepping for that genetically inferior child, he'll leave himself completely defenseless to anyone who has spent months plotting to take him down.

That's precisely when I'll spring into action, exploiting his many weaknesses: ignorance about how to prevent large animal attacks, stupid hair, lousy sense of smell, stupid clothes, lack of hand to hand combat training, stupid grin, desire to be liked by stupid people, stupidity, and his arrogance - which will undoubtedly cause him to neglect to assess my strengths (strength, cunning, puritan work ethic, hatred) and weaknesses (do you really think I would be dumb enough to expose my one weakness to everyone with an Internet connection, yeah right, idiots). And with that type of upper hand, I know we'll both get what's coming to us.

I have attacked my enemy before, but this plot is different; I want to betray him. When conspiring against one's opponent, it behooves one to lull him into a false sense of security. Make him trust you. Encourage him to confide in you. Do all that you can to make him feel at ease in your presence. Brutus joined Caesar's inner circle, even marrying Caesar's cousin, before literally backstabbing him on the Ides of March. And on Battlestar Galactica, Boomer, the enchanting cylon sleeper agent, was programmed to join the Human Resistance only to sabotage it from within on behalf of the colonies on New Caprica. Earning my rightful position as branch co-manager will require similar conspiring.

This is why I am attending my adversary's wedding. I'll be there, forcing a smile while he says dumb things about his dumb wife. I'll shake his hand. Raise my glass. At his rehearsal dinner, I will generously provide the dessert, homemade gelatin. I'll do the chicken dance with his friends and family (after all I deserve to have some fun too). All the while he'll think, "Gee, not only is Dwight my intellectual superior, he's also someone that's earned my reliance." It will make me one move closer to earning his complete and uncompromised trust... Then, in time, when his back it turned and he least expects it - BAM! SCHRUTE FORCE ATTACKS! I watch him crumble as I take his position and listen to him as he cries, "Et tu, Schrut-e?!"